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Ladies, This Is Your Captain Speaking.
On behalf of the flight crew, let me welcome you aboard Flight 1647 to Chicago with continuing service to New York. We should touch down in Chicago at 5:23 local time, depending on this headwind. And assuming I decide to go there.
We’ve just hit our cruising altitude. I’ve turned off the seat-belt light, which means you are now free to move about the cabin. However, for your own safety, please fasten it when you are seated, in case we encounter any unexpected turbulence or I jerk the stick back and forth.
Though I’ve turned off the seat-belt light, please note the no mile-high recruiting light will remain on throughout the flight, in compliance with FAA regulations. You may not join the mile-high club in the lavatories and federal law prohibits tampering with the lick detector. Feel free to pack a chew or eat loudly, though. Those aren’t federal crimes. Not yet!

Flight attendants, two dirty martinis to the cockpit, please.

But please also note FAA regulations require passengers to follow the instructions of the flight crew at all times. So if I make up something, but don’t have a light with an icon of that action, you still have to do it. There’s no way I can think of a light for everything I might want you to do.

Please do RAISE your legs to the UPRIGHT and OPEN position.

If I or one of the other members of your flight crew walks the length of the plane without pants, please remain calm and seated. That’s just a little game we play.

On behalf of your cockpit, sit back and enjoy your trip.

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